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Life Update - Insanity(?) - Apology Post

Hello there, my darling mystical chickadees!

Yeah, IDK what to call this post, but this seems the most... appropriate? Or at least the best thing that I can come up with!

Soooo... This post is obviously gonna be a tad different than my usual ones. But I feel I owe it to you guys who look forward to the classes or my other posts to explain and apologize for my crazy life lately. I know, and I'm sure you know, that life happens and sometimes gets in the way of what we're doing. I still feel like an apology is needed.

First of all, I'll go ahead and get the apology out of the way. Like I said in my Wednesday Tarot Class(Tarot: Intro to the Cards #7 The Chariot), I'll go ahead and apologize from the bottom of my heart for being so absent these last few weeks. I used neglectful in my Tarot Class post, but thinking about it, it's not really the right word. With so much going on in my life and the world in general, everything just got away from me.

There are a few things in my life that have just bogged me down lately.

One is that starting all of this up is intense! It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to even get the ball rolling and put everything together. Trying to gain momentum to at some point do this as my full-time job is another stress that I've put on myself. It's something that I really want to happen because I genuinely love and enjoy doing this no matter the amount of work that goes into it. And I love being able to help people all day. I want to be able to do the thing that I'm most passionate about every single day. Most people can't say that about their "work." I want a lifetime of it, though.

While I'm hopeful enough that it'll happen one of these days, I'm also realistic enough to know that it's not gonna happen overnight or right away. That while I hopefully build this up, I'm gonna need a day job. Buuuut.... being in the middle of COVID means they're not exactly growing on trees around here, are they? Stressful!!!

Another thing that's really got to me is that I've been feeling really pulled to do some serious shadow work with myself for some time. I kept putting it off since I was working on getting everything up, running, and squared away. I know the reputation shadow work has and didn't want to get sidetracked or go off the rails. And being me, I've got a pretty decent idea of all those little goblins of mine running around in my head...

Once I got everything going, I felt the pull too strongly to just ignore it. It... lead to some feelings, let me tell you! I was right that it would have sidetracked me because it totally ended up doing just that. Shadow work is something extraordinarily difficult to do and should never be entered into lightly. Even though I had done a great deal of research and went into it with my eyes open, it really messed me up for a little while. Made me feel out of sorts, off-balance, and unfocused. On the plus side, I did at least start working through some stuff and found a fantastic spread for Healing Trauma that you can find here:

I really encourage anyone who wants to try it, to do so, but to remember not to go into the spread thinking it's all fun and games. Be serious and respectful. Really delve deep, and take a good long look at yourself. It's helpful, but man was it like, "Ouch, way to hit me where it hurts!"

Then we've got one of the biggest things that went down recently in my life. Someone was extremely sick for a very long time. We were told they would die years ago, but they just held out, dragging it on for ages.

Well, it finally happened about a week ago. To tell you the truth, I'm not sad or sorry to see this person go. They had done some pretty bad things to hurt me and some people I love. So I'm not at all heartbroken, but I am relieved in a way. I won't have to be subjected to this person anymore or worry and stress about dealing with them. And to be frank, no one deserves to be in that much pain for that long, and that's saying something coming from me. Maybe it was a form of karma, but still...

As you can imagine, this brought up many memories and emotions that I've had a hard time dealing with.

Another thing I hate more than anything else is the fake BS you have to put up with when someone dies. To me, just because someone's dead doesn't mean that the harm they've caused is gone. That can last for lifetimes. And any of the so-called good they've done in no way outweighs or erases the evil. A lot of times, it just means they've hidden it well.

Plus, getting the family all together means that as a trans guy, I'm going to get dead-named and misgendered the whole time. It is what it is at this point, although I'm DONE with allowing it to continue. But I'm not callous enough to bring it up, right in the middle of everything else that was happening.

I don't talk about it often since I'm not big on labels in general. I think they actually hurt ourselves and our society to a certain point. BUT that being said, I use them when it helps get my point across. Such as being a polyamorous, gay, man who happens to be trans and a pagan witch that practices divination. Yeah... doesn't go over real well in most parts of conservative bible-thumping Georgia. I might as well be the Antichrist to them, LMFAO! Of course, I could say that about most of the South, I believe.

I'm not entirely sure how it's possible. However, there's nothing quite like being dead-named and misgendered while being resolutely ignored but still somehow having everyone side-eye you at the same time?? Ahhh, the little microscopic bubble of the small town close-minded southern life. It's damn torture! One of these days, if I ever get enough money to do it, I'm gonna be out of this state so fast they won't even see my shadow!

Anyways, of course, there's also a housing issue I'm dealing with. You see, I currently live with my super supportive sister, my awesome brother-in-law, and my nephew(The cutest in the whole wide world! But also I'm biased lol!). Now that this has happened, the family will sell both houses and get one for them to live in together. You know, without me. But we'd be at each other's throats if we lived in the same house again, so I'm not terribly upset about it.

It's for the best honestly but also COVID, no job, no money, etc. I'd really like to not become homeless or lose the few possessions I still have. Stressful...

Honestly, even before things went a bit crazier in my life, I felt this nasty drained pull on myself. Like I was tethered and weighed down and also having my energy just sucked right out of me. It's such an oppressive feeling. It's been so bad I started trying to figure out if there was an energy vamp around me!

I think it's just been compounded by everything happening around the same time and my being an empath plus being around severely depressed people. It's one of those things. Like I swear I don't mean to be anti-social, but it's like I have emotional whiplash most days from dealing with all of it and everyone around me. I need space to recharge most of the time. Not a very good feeling all in all.

Still, personally, I'm doing better than I thought possible, all things considered. I feel like I'm coming out of a few weeks slump of drained blahness... But I think with everything going on in my life right now, I'm doing better than I was. And with everything going on in the world, I feel like many people are fighting the same kind of feelings and thoughts. I just happen to have a few extra things thrown on top of all of that.

And I'll also apologize for not getting this article out when I wanted to originally. Life is crazy right now, as you can see, and it just kept getting longer every time I came back to it. It's why I'm posting this on Monday instead of on Friday like I wanted to. I guess in a way, it's been a tad therapeutic as well. Maybe that's why it just kept growing.

Actually, mentioning last Friday has made me think of my Friday posts. I guess what I'm going to do is make them Friday or Saturday Optional Posts. At least for the next little while, though it may become a permanent thing in the future. I'm just not for sure. But this way, it will take some of the pressure off, and if I get to them, I get to them. If not, then I'll do it the week after.

I'm also wanting to start adding some pagan/witchy articles to the mix. Most likely, it'll be on the Friday/Saturday posts. But right now, with everything happening, I'm not too sure when it's going to start.

Well, my lovelies, this is where I wrap this all up. So I'll go ahead and say goodbye for now until the next time. Down below, you'll find what's upcoming for the website. Go ahead and give it a read through if you'd like more info.

This Wednesday, we'll be going over the next Major Arcana Card, #8 Strength! So be sure to come back to class and learn all about it. I certainly look forward to it!

This Friday or Saturday, I'm probably going to do a review of King, Eight Coins Tattoo Tarot Deck. Remember that if I don't get to it, it'll be next week, my dears!

Next Monday, of course, we'll have our Weekly Divination Outlook.

If you're someone who's just starting out in Tarot, I highly encourage you to start from the beginning with Tarot Class: Intro to the Cards. I go over some general information on the cards and break them down for you a bit. Another good one to look at would be The Three Card Spread and its Many Uses. It's great for beginners and experienced readers alike.

I want to thank you for dropping by and reading this! Please stick around and explore if you'd like. And be sure to give me a follow on Instagram and Pinterest.

Let me know how you're doing and what you're thinking in the comments down below. As always before you comment, please remember to be kind and respect one another.

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